| This screen used to be my canvas. I used to be able to explain exactly how i felt so easily while divulging only the information that i wanted. Back in the Johnson Bible College days, we xanga writers wrote so cryptically as to leave each other curious and in the dark about what was going on in the little privacy we had in our very "community" filled lives. Community. Bull Shit. I have better community with my coworkers and ex coworkers at Sam's Club # 6517 than i did at Johnson Bible College. We were all so ready to talk shit about each other behind closed dormitory doors. At Sam's we're at least somewhat honest with each other, by words or by attitude. My attitude is pretty awful lately. I need to find something new to strive for. I never realized before but i am a very goal oriented person. Example. I wanted COS. I have no idea why i wanted COS for such a long time but i did. It was all i thought about and i got it one year and one transfer with Sam's Club. School. I have no idea what i want to do. I have no idea what my degree is going to get me and really what the worth of it is. I have no desire to be in school and i really have no goal. So nothing is going to change until i find that one thing i want to do with the rest of my life. For a while i thought it was interviewing for and accepting a job offer for a management in training position but the uncertainty has scared me off for a little while. I still want to go into management but i don't have that immediate goal insight anymore. I'm really working towards nothing right now. Other than my daily goals at work i'm so aimless. What do i want? What do i really really want?
I know something i really really want. More like someone. Joe Attard. You have found a spot deep down in my lustful heart. I haven't seen this person in a month. After about a week and a half i started to question his desire. He was very very ill for a couple of weeks, in and out of the emergency room and doctors office. He's recuperating his health and his wallet right now. I have offered to drive out to see him twice now and both have been declined. Third times a charm? He's has perfectly legitimate reasons but it leads a girl to wonder. Does he even want me in his life anymore? Is the distance convenient for him to keep me away or still a nuisance? I'm going to choose to trust. I'm going to choose to trust that he wants me around like he says he does and that it will indeed happen. I just need to relearn patience.
There really is something special about Joe Attard. More like several things. Being four years my elder he has that wisdom i look up to. He's been around and knows the world just a little bit more than my fresh green self. He's intelligent and so eloquent. I love to hear his thoughts and opinions on most anything. Even if it's something i have little to no interest in, he can capture my attention instantly. Same with his writing. I read his magazine cover to cover even though i had no idea who half the bands were. Did i mention he was largely responsible for the writing in a few volumes of the magazine "Substream"? I doubt i even have bragging rights. At this point were just dating. Nothing official nothing stated and no titles. This is driving me crazy. I want to say my boyfriend this and my boyfriend that. Not "oh, joe this..." or "this guy joe i'm dating" that. Ugh. I hope he wants the same. I'm choosing to believe he does. <3
|
| |
| Oh, and i had mono? that sucked. sucky sucky suck fest |
| |
| I wish i could explain how i feel. I wish i knew exactly how i felt. I miss counseling classes because of the mini counseling sessions i would have with myself afterwards about what we talked about.
I miss you. I dont know what happened but id like to make amends. I dont feel like i know where to start even though i do. I think all you've seen is my back since mid July. I just would really like to know your intentions.
I just showered. I hate everything after that. I used to love drying my hair because with grace's blow dryer it was so quick but she had to take it to the shop. It takes forever to dry my hair now and i get so frustrated. I need to slow down. I need to take a step back. I have so much to get done and not enough time. I have so much i want to get done and no time to it in.
I feel like the only twenty year old who hates where they are at. I want to get out of college. I want to make big decisions. I want to feel like it's my life and my decision making was respected. I have so many people skeptical of who i am and what im doing right now that i just want to vomit. I can handle this. I may screw up along the way but that is and what encompasses life. It would be completely boring if it was perfectly harmonious.
Britney Spears is a loon and i almost find it endearing. However i resent her for writing a song a couple years ago entitled, "Not a girl not yet a woman." Thank you miss teen queen for making my feelings sound so cliche due to this pop song. I wont forget this.
|
| |
| So, i lost all my bookmarks when mozilla crashed on my computer. And somehow i forgot about xanga? i apologize.
I didn't realise just how much xanga helped me keep up with everyone. I'm stupid. maybe i should actually talk to people? no...i didnt think so either.
LIfe has been funny lately. I'm going to Sinclair this quarter because i'm not at johnson. I'm excited but nervous at the same time.
So i was really sick yesterday and i wasnt feeling very good friday after we ate at craven's. It's made me really disoriented and my frame of mind is pretty weird right now. The glands in my neck were real swollen and i was looking up possible reasons and HIV and mono kept coming up and for some reason for a half hour i flipped out and thought i had to have been hiv positive, even though there is no way i could have gotten that. It's just how my thought process has been the last few days. I think i'm going crazy.
So theres this boy that i know
|
| |
